Trannies and Tiaras

This past weekend, April 28-30, was the 38th annual Miss Gay Missouri pageant in Columbia, Missouri. This pageant is a prelim to the Miss Gay America Pageant that will be held in October in Columbus, Ohio. I had the privilege of going to watch, assist and support Miss Tajma Stetson, the reigning Miss Metropolitan, in her attempt to claim the crown.

This was Tajma's 3rd time competing for Miss Gay Missouri. The first two years she competed she placed 1st Alternate, which means she was second place, but still qualified to compete at Miss Gay America. Now, many of you may have heard about all that happened last year, but here is a short history of last year's events:

Tajma was 1st Alternate to Miss Nikki Stevens from Springfield, Missouri. Come to find out some fishy things had gone on with the judging and promoting of the pageant and it appeared that the pageant was fixed for Miss Stevens to prevail from the get go. At the culmination of the pageant, after Nikki was crowned, things got a little messy. Everyone's business was aired out, gauntlets were thrown, wigs were ripped off, queens came untucked and eventually the promoter was removed from her position as promoter and banned from the competition for years to come. However, that did not change the results; Nikki was still the winner and would reign as Miss Gay Missouri 2010. However, weeks after the whole debacle came to pass, Nikki decided to give up her rights, her crown and her title of Miss Gay Missouri! SCANDALOUS! I know what you're thinking, Tajma was required as 1st Alternate to take over, you know because Nikki "wasn't able to fulfill her duties" as they say, but this wasn't the case. The Alumni Board, the new promoters of the MGM pageant decided that since all this mess had happened and Tajma was essentially cheated out of the position originally that she would not have to step up in Nikki's place.

Anyways, moving on.....

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the ongoings of these drag pageants, but I'll give you a brief run down of the whole process. Each contestant must compete in 4 preliminary categories in order to qualify for Final Night competition.

These 4 categories are:

Male Interview - contestants interview with the judging panel out of drag as men.
Evening Gown - just like the real girl pageants, they model evening gowns for the judges.
Solo Talent - contests put together a small performance to showcase their abilities as an entertainer so that if elected MGM they would be able to entertain the masses while traveling around promoting the pageant.
Talent - this is a production talent usually, which incorporates sets, dancers, big props, etc.

After the preliminary scores are calculated, usually a Top 10 are picked and will compete on final night in 3 categories - evening gown, on-stage question and talent. After each of the Top 10 contestants compete in these categories, the winner and alternates are announced. Usually they announce a 4th alternate, 3rd alternate, 2nd alternate, 1st alternate and a winner. So, essentially from the Top 10 they announce and recognize a Top 5 and winners in each of the individual categories.

I hope that description is comprehensible. It makes sense to me, but I've been to a pageant or two in my day.....

Now, on with the happenings of the weekend!!!

The competition started Thursday morning with Male Interview then was followed up with the preliminary evening gown competition that night. Tajma made her way to Columbia Wednesday night, in order to be there for registration and male interview. I however, didn't make my way there until Thursday afternoon because I had school and I was in charge of transporting the set for talent. I hit the road around 1:30 or so and arrived at the Wingate by Windham Hotel around 3:30. When I arrive, I see Michael for a bit, then around 4:00 he starts his transformation in Miss Stetson so that he can be present for check in at the SoCo Club at 6:00. Yes, it actually does take him 2 hours to "paint" his face, which is the drag term for putting on their make-up.

In the process of getting ready, Michael receives a phone call from one, Dieta Pepsi saying that the everything is being pushed back 30 minutes, so essentially he had an extra half hour to get ready. That seemed like a blessing because we wouldn't have to be rushed getting the drag packed up and getting ourselves to the bar on time. YEAH RIGHT!!!

So, around 5:45 Michael realizes what time it is and that we still haven't packed a single thing into the car, much less grabbed everything we needed for that night. So, we frantically race around the hotel room slinging wigs, panty hose, Sally Hanson Spray Legs, earrings, evening gowns and bobby pins everywhere. We were officially on the road to SoCo at about..... with Tajma screaming "WE'RE GOING TO BE SO LATE!" from the passenger's seat.

We get to SoCo and Tajma springs from the car before I can even get it stopped in her pursuit not to be late for check-in. If you're late, you lose administrative points in the pageant which will effect your overall score after it's all said and done. I'm not really sure how she didn't break a heel or rip her hose, but she darted from the car practically in a dead sprint.... It was pretty funny to watch, but I knew I couldn't laugh if I wanted to live through the weekend.

Anyways, she gets checked in and we start to unload the car. With our hands full we carry makeup cases, garment bags, jewelry boxes, shoe bags, disassembled parts to a steamer and Michael's man-bag, we never leave home without it, until we find our spot in the dressing room.

This is where my weekend really begins....

I don't think I mentioned this before, but every contestant in the pageant is allowed to have one dresser with them. This person is there to help touch up makeup, get them in and out of their gowns, carry their trains, fix their hair, apply lip glass, steam things, lather them up with Sally Hanson Spray Legs (which makes the queen's skin, and your hands, all the same color and sparkly with glitter) and pretty much do anything else they ask you too. Well, Tajma's usual dresser, Ryan, wasn't able to make it to the first night of prelims due to work, so the guy in his talent number, Michael Z., was going to play the role of dresser for Thursday night. However, his bus broke down on its way from Chicago, so he wasn't going to be able to do it either. So.....that leaves only....ME!!! Yeah, you got it, I'm the guy!!! Disaster is certainly looming.

I tend to think that I'm a pretty stylish guy (except for the fact that I wore tube socks with shorts until I got to college), but I know absolutely NOTHING about makeup, hair, or evening gowns. Yet hear I stand with my "dresser" badge on backstage staring Tajma right in the face..... Me, MORTIFIED!!!

How in the hell are we going to pull this off? What in the world am I going to do when she asks me how her makeup looks, if her eyebrows are even, or to fix the fly-aways on her up-do?? WE'RE SCREWED!!! I did my best not to show the disgust and nervousness on my face, but I think that the green tint to my face gave it all away. I just knew that I was going to royally screw something up and would either be beheaded by a high heel, hanged by a pair of panty hose or have my eyes gouged out with a blending brush. GET IT TOGETHER, JEREMY!!!

My first task as "dresser" was to unpack all the things she was going to need in order to compete that night. I hung up the gown, prepped the steamer, unlocked makeup cases and jewelry boxes, unwrapped gown shoes, and organized her counter space. Job #1 - CHECK!!

Then I was asked to apply the bronzer to her body.... So, I found the can, looked around the room to see what everyone else was doing and started spraying! Now, the girl next to me, that was doing the same job seemed to be struggling a bit. She started off pretty good, spraying the stuff on her queen.... but it started to run, so she used her hands and some towels to absorb the runoff..... I knew that I had no clue what I was doing, but I also knew that there was NO WAY I could do what she was doing!!! So, I sprayed the spray paint like substance onto the right arm and started rubbing it into Tajma's skin! "PERFECT!!!" she screamed. Man was I relieved!!!! Job #2 - CHECK!!

I took a peek back over at my female counterpart next to me, and somehow this girl had gotten this spray on her face, on her clothes, on her flip-flopped feet, on the carpet, the wall and in her hair.... I'm not quite sure how this happened, but I knew I had to offer her some advice.

"Just rub it in, girl...." I told her, like I had been doing it for ages. Honestly, I just got lucky. Nevertheless, two jobs were successfully completed and I was ready for my next one..... I think!

My next job was getting the gown steamed and ready for competition. Luckily for me, Tajma had asked her promoter, Zane, to do this job already, so I just played the role of holding the gown up so he could reach and see all the spots that needed to be steamed. It turns out that he really didn't want to help, so he took about 45 minutes to get this done! Tajma was on edge by this point and completely annoyed!! I could sense some DRAGZILLA tendencies starting to surface!!! Job #3 - CHECK -ish!!

With the gown steamed and hanging to dry we moved on to hair.... CRAP!!! Tajma slipped on her wig and started glueing down the hairline as I watched helplessly. Once the wig was on, she handed me a brush and said "Here, pick out the back so it doesn't look like it does right now..."

My heart sank and a giant lump formed in my throat, but luckily her back was to me so she couldn't see my reaction. I grabbed the pick and started.....picking. Three strokes in Tajma turned and ripped the pick from my hand and said, "We'll find someone else to do this!" OOPS! Job #4 - FAILED!!

Eventually, we got everything put together on her, thanks to the help of Adria Andrews..... Now it was time to compete. But not until I put her bracelet on! You would think that this wouldn't be too hard, but I was shaking like a leaf!! I couldn't get the clasps to clasp, I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking, and I couldn't get my fingers working together to get this damn thing on!!! Why was I so nervous? Probably because I thought that I would be the reason she would lose the pageant..... So much pressure!!

Finally, we made our way through the alley and into the contestant holding area. I bent down, slipped off her "walk around shoes" and helped her squeeze into the gown shoes. Then they announced her name for evening gown!

I held my breath the entire time she was on stage. Please let the gown stay on, please let there be no fly-aways on the wig, please don't let an earring pop off and go rolling across the stage..... All the thoughts were rushing through my head. I had no idea I would be so invested!!!

When she stepped off the stage, I began to breathe again..... Had we really pulled this off? By God, I think we may have.....

Night one over.... but my duties were far from being over!!!

Night two was solo talent and talent, so I didn't have too many responsibilities. Luckily for me, her dresser, Brandon showed up, her talent partner made it in on the bus and I only had a little bit of the set to build for talent. Things were going well, like a well oiled machine!!! Before we knew it, prelim night two was over with no major hiccups.

Night three - Final Night

We had made it to final night.... I was relieved of my dresser duties and could now devote all my time the set, and I do mean all of my time. The set consists of 2 metal shelves, a table, a clothes rack, and a bunch of random junk to make it look like a thrift store. The catch is, the metal shelves are made to be assembled once and stay that way, but for transportation purposes I have to assemble and disassemble them every time this talent number is performed. So, this would make the 4th time I've put them together, I believe. So, now the metal pieces that support the shelves are becoming weaker and weaker and ever more difficult to make stay together. This whole set building process takes me about an hour and a half to do, each. and. every. time!! Can you sense my frustration?

Not only does it take so long, but 99.9% of the time I'm the only person that is putting the damn things together. If I had just one more set of hands helping me out, the process would go soooo much faster and smoother. Hell, I probably wouldn't cuss as much, wouldn't be so bald, and wouldn't be so overweight! But nonetheless, I'm in charge of the set.

So, I assemble the set just in time to make it back into the bar for the announcement of the Top 8 contestants. There were only 8 this year out of 14 contestants to make it through for final night performances.

The Top 8 contestants were: (in no particular order)

Trixie LaRue

Madison Elise

Akasha Royale

LaDreama Funn

Sophia Sirrah

L'oreal

Musica Malone

TAJMA STETSON

She made it into the Top 8! Yay! I was happy knowing that I hadn't spent the previous two hours builing that set for no reason, but soon that emotion was wiped away with nerves because I had no idea how the moving of this set onto the stage was going to go.

I rallied some troops together to help me with the moving process. I believe there were about 6 of us in total. We seemed to have every positioned manned, but no one wanted to listen to the instructions I was giving about how to transport the set. I told them about 15 times how and from where to lift the shelves when moving them, and where everything went on stage once we got it there. Of course, when it came time for everything to happen, it all went to hell. While we were waiting backstage with all the props, someone decided to lift their shelf from the undesignated area and.....it fell apart. Who is the only person that knows how to fix the problem? ME! So here I am sprawled out like a beached whale in a space the size of a microwave trying to put this piece of the set back together before its time to take the stage. Luckily I get it back together with about 2 seconds to spare....but I was weary about how well it would hold up.

We get everything set up and everyone off the stage so that the number can start..... That's when I see Tajma backstage. Right before she sets foot onto the stage to perform, someone tells her "All the props you need are on stage right!"

THAT'S NOT WHERE THEY GO!! THAT'S NOT WHERE I TOLD THEM TO PUT THEM!!! WHY WILL NO ONE LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TALK!?!?!?!?!

Now Tajma is completely freaked out, and needless to say it shows in her performance.

The number went well, but it wasn't her best effort! Now it was time for us to strike the set.... Again, no one listens and one of the shelves comes entirely apart!! Now I have to rush back out there to get the scattered pieces, remove them from the stage and staging area before the 3 minutes we have to remove the set are up!!! Mega-stress!!! Eventually everything is removed and no points are deducted for our lack of help and their inability to listen.

All we can do now is watch and pray that Tajma did enough to win this thing!!!

Oh, I almost forgot to mention once I had completely broken down the set, and packed it all away nicely in my car, I realize that I can't find my keys. So, I have to unpack EVERYTHING all over again in search of them. No luck.... So, I re-search and re-search and retrace my steps over and over again. Still, no luck. Finally, after an hour and a half of looking for my keys, I just decide I'm going to go in and enjoy the rest of the pageant then find them once the bar is closed! Right about the time that I head for the door, Ryan comes out of the bar and says "I have your keys in my pocket!"

I seriously almost broke down and cried in that moment.... It wasn't the fact that I was relieved that I found my keys, but it was just the culmination of all the events that had happened that weekend and that night! I couldn't take it anymore.... my emotions caught up to me!!! I surprisingly held it together.... by saying a few choice words under my breath and out loud until I felt like I was ready to go back into the bar.

P.S. Because I had spent so much time and effort looking for my keys and unpacking/repacking the car, I was now drenched in sweat! Imagine that, I love being fat!!

Now that I'm back in the climate controlled bar its time for the announcement of the 38th Miss Gay Missouri. First they recognize all the former Miss Gay Missouris that are in attendance and hand out special awards for those celebrating their anniversaries of winning. Then they hand out individual awards for the highest score in each category of competition.

Male Interview - Trixie LaRue

Evening Gown - Tajma Stetson (she's never won this category before.... I now it's because I rubbed her down with bronzer so well!)

On-Stage Question - Trixie LaRue

Solo Talent - Tajma Stetson (again, another category she has never won)

Talent - Madison Elise

So from the looks of this, it seems that Tajma and Trixie are in a head to head battle for the crown...... Finally, could this be Tajma's year?

Now it's time to announce the alternates and the winner:

3rd Alternate - Akasha Royale

2nd Alternate - L'oreal

1st Alternate - Tajma Stetson (3rd time in a row)

MGM 2011 - Madison Elise

So, Tajma didn't win, but she did qualify for Miss America, again. So we'll be there in mid-October for a rematch with Madison Elise! In the past Tajma has beaten the person who has beaten her at Miss Missouri by quite a bit and she has made the Top 10 at Miss America twice!! Last year she finished 5th, so I have no doubt that she will do very very well again this year at Miss America.

However, becoming 1st alternate again for the third year is a little disheartening! She really wants to be Miss Gay Missouri! Maybe it's not in the stars for her to win MGM, but I know that she will one day be Miss Gay America!

Finally I'll share a few pics that I took throughout the weekend.....