Dating in Korea - Size Matters
Living the single life is something I have become a bit of an expert on over the course of the past 2-3 years. However, the older I get, the more I feel like I am ready to "settle down" or at least try to start a relationship with a bit of substance behind it. Actually, let me be 100% honest: the idea of a relationship sounds enticing and exciting to me, however the more I think about actually being in a relationship the more petrified and rebellious I feel. Maybe that has to do with the fiasco my dating life has been since arriving in Korea. I'm not usually one to share this type of information publicly, but I feel I need to get a few things off of my chest.
If I'm being honest, it hasn't been until lately that I have actually whole-heartedly been trying to find myself a relationship. My first couple of years in the country I was trying to get my bearings, see where I fit into the grand scheme of things and trying to make friends. Over the course of the past year, since moving to Sinchang, I have been more actively pursuing relationships and going on dates. The stories I share are 100% truthful and are based solely on my experiences in the drenches of the dating world.
The first story comes from about 4 months ago. I met someone with the help of an app. We chatted with one another regularly for about a month or so. Then we decided to meet. I tried to make suggestions of a place for us to meet, but this person was dead set on meeting me in Sinchang and ended up coming to a barbecue that my friends and I were having. I wasn't completely ok with this idea, because I knew it was going to be super awkward for everyone involved considering none of us really knew each other all that well. Much to my chagrin, they came to the barbecue. Luckily for me, my friends didn't make it super awkward and the person was welcomed with "opened arms." Well, a bit inebriated opened arms, but they were still open nonetheless. Anyways, the night went on pretty smoothly with everyone chatting, getting to know each other and enjoying themselves. Overall, I chalk the night up as a win; nothing too awkward happened and nothing embarrassing was shared or occurred. A couple of days later, this person and I met again for a bit of tennis. I hadn't played the game in a while, so needless to say I was a bit rusty. I was out for a bit of fun, they were out for blood. I lost pretty handedly and we moved on. Later that evening back at my apartment this person said four words you probably never want to hear in a relationship: "We need to talk..." I knew whatever followed after that was not going to be good. I braced myself for the worst, but hoped for the best..... Then they dropped the bomb! This is how the conversation actually played out:
Candidate #1: "Jeremy, we need to talk..."
Me: "Oh, crap! That doesn't sound good."
Candidate #1: "No, I promise, it's nothing bad."
Me: "Ummm.... ok.... What is it?"
Candidate #1: "You know how I spent time in China and Canada before, right?"
Me: "Yeah, you told me that..."
Candidate #1: "Well, while I was in China I met someone.... and while I was in Canada we got married! So, basically.... I'm married."
Me: "Are you F&!@#$% KIDDING ME? How could you not tell me that before? You need to leave."
Jerk #1: "I'm telling you now. I feel bad that I lied about it, but it's not a good relationship. They are so far away and I really really like you. If I wasn't with them I would want to be in a relationship with you."
Me: "We have been chatting for so long, you could have mentioned it WAAAAAY before today!"
~~~~They eventually leave my apartment and text me a few extra items.~~~~
Jerk #1: Actually, you are my type, but you are not physically attractive to me. You are fat and I don't think that a sexual relationship between us would ever work because I don't find you sexy. You have a great face and beautiful eyes, too bad your body doesn't match that......
Me: Please don't message me again.... Thanks!
UPDATE: I was actually stupid enough to give this person another shot recently..... and it ended very similarly! They told me that I was FATTER than they remember and that it just could never work because they still don't find me physically or sexually attractive!
Their loss!!!
My next story takes place about a month or so after the first story. I attended a music festival with a friend in Seoul and happened to stumble upon my next "candidate". It's easier to tell it that way and spare you guys the gruesome details of how we actually met! ;-) So, we met at the music festival, exchanged numbers and chatted for a bit. We realized we lived relatively close to one another, so decided we would visit one another whenever possible. I made the initial trip to visit them, and then they came to visit me and so on and so on. Things were actually going really well. However, this person told me from the get go that they were not looking for an actual relationship. I wasn't the happiest with that statement, but I thought if I played my cards right, waited it out and just had fun things my change on their end. So, we hung out a bunch, texted, chatted, did all those types of things. We went on "dates" together, bought each other gifts..... and I thought it was going really well. It didn't seem to be headed into a direction that neither of us wanted, we were enjoying ourselves and everything was hunky dory, or so I thought. This went on for about a month or a month and a half. Then I was preparing to head to Hong Kong for a week. I messaged the person and invited them to hangout, they declined because they were going to visit their parents in Seoul. No big deal, so I asked if we could connect when they returned from Seoul and before I headed to Hong Kong. They seemed a little preoccupied and didn't know if they'd be able to make it. So, I backed off trying to see them and just decided to text. However, my texts were returned..... They were read and simply ignored. That continued until I left for Hong Kong. Now, when I say continued, I didn't sent 1387978923098172 messages. Just the ignoring continued.... I figured they were busy with work or something and couldn't respond right away. Well.... I've been back from Hong Kong for almost 2 months now and the ignoring hasn't ceased. I haven't sent any more messages since I left for Hong Kong, but neither have they! While in Hong Kong I realized/remembered that when I initially met this person they were in Seoul to visit their parents, so I just figured that this person must have found a new "me" while they were in Seoul this time.
Again.... Their loss!
That story was a bit less exciting and a bit less insulting for me, but an explanation would have been nice. However, it doesn't look like I'll be getting one of those anytime soon, so I have picked up the pieces and moved along!
Let's fast forward a bit and come to the present. Not much has happened in the dating area in the months between candidate #1 and #2. I've met people, but have initially dismissed them based on the conversations we've had. For some reason, Koreans aren't ashamed to share their motives while dating. I have had numerous say that they are looking to move to America, so finding a American boyfriend/husband would help speed up the process. Now, I'm a supporter of immigrants coming to our country for the "American Dream" but I don't want to be the ship in which hoards of immigrants are riding on in order to get there. It just seems like such a turn off to know that you are being used for a green card and not because they have a genuine interest in you. I mean, I know many soldiers fall victim to this type of scam, but I pride myself in being a little more realistic and cued into life to let something like this happen. Sorry, hon.... This ship has sailed and you've been left at the loading docks!
Anyways, back to current days. I have once again met someone through the use of an app. This person initially was quite pleasant. We had lunch together and talked about our careers, our lives, families and what not. Things were going great. But now I find myself trying to actively avoid them! For some reason, Koreans have a very 빨리 빨리 mentality when it comes to dating. This means that they are very rushed to advance the relationship as quickly as possible. One day you're having dinner and the next you are renting out the wedding hall at the local train station for your big day and by the third date you're picking the names of your unborn children and burial plots by the fourth date. It's seriously a bit too full on for me. But that is the direction this new "situation" is taking. We've shared lunch and now they are begging to spend the weekend with me or come stay the night after they are finished with work. It's a bit overwhelming. I like my space... and I cringe when I pick up my phone and see that I have 10 messages from the same person. What's worse is the rate at which these messages escalate....
For example:
Hey, what's up?
How was your day?
I miss you!
I was thinking of coming to your apartment today, if that's ok with you?
What time is good for you to come?
Are you with your friends now? Who are they? What are you doing?
I can't stop thinking about you....
It's my fault I'm not giving strong enough emotion to you. (An actual message I received today)
I will go to the train station and wait for you message of when you're free so I can come see you.
It's really just overwhelming! Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic about it? I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone this interested in them, right? I just don't get it... Why can't it just develop naturally and not be so over the top? This is why I don't understand myself... I complain because I'm so single and I'm afraid I'll never find someone to even casually date, but on the other hand I get freaked out and bothered when they smother me....from 60 miles away..... via text!
Anyways.... Back to my current situation, although all of this rant has been about that current situation. When we hung out the other day, I allowed them to come back to my place for a bit because we ran out of things to do and they were a bit tired and wanted to rest. So, I offered my bed to them... in an innocent way of course. They napped, I computered.... They woke. Upon waking they confess to me that they have never been in a relationship with a "big" person before. Their reason behind this? They have always been afraid they "would be SMOTHERED by a big person in bed." Those were their exact words.... I kid you not! But wait, it gets better.... Then they asked me if I would lay on top of them to see how it felt to have a big person on them!!! What the actual fuck is wrong with people? I mean, who in their right mind would volunteer for that little experiment? Oh please, pick me to be the big person that tries to suffocate you by laying on top of you in bed! Get a life, people! SERIOUSLY! I guess those comments bothered me more than I actually thought they did?!
Again, after returning home... more texts were exchanged! Only a couple really stand out in my mind at the moment, so I will share them verbatim:
"You are very enough for my date."
"I like you as you are big."
I don't now about anyone else, but being describe as "enough" doesn't make me want to rush into any kind of relationship with you.... EVER! And I don't think anyone ever wants to be called "big" nor have that be the reason that you are "enough" for someone. Am I right?
As you can see, a sort of patterned has developed in my dating life.... We meet, you insult me about my weight, and we hardly ever speak again. I guess that's what I get for trying to "assimilate" myself and date Koreans. I know that everyone is a bit superficial when it comes to dating. We all have our own individual type or style of person we are attracted to. In Korea, that superficiality is taken to a whole new level. Picture the one thing about yourself you don't like.... and then picture that being the reason you aren't being dated and having it being pointed out to you EVERY. SINGLE. TIME someone rejects you. It gets a bit old.... and petty!
I'm not sure what the future holds for me in the rest of my time here in Korea, but at this rate I will have either found the love of my life, be insulted by every Korean I encounter or develop some sort of eating disorder before I cash in my pension on the way out of this country.
I hope love and relationships come a little easier for you.... If they do I challenge you to come date in Korea; It may knock you down a few pegs!
The first story comes from about 4 months ago. I met someone with the help of an app. We chatted with one another regularly for about a month or so. Then we decided to meet. I tried to make suggestions of a place for us to meet, but this person was dead set on meeting me in Sinchang and ended up coming to a barbecue that my friends and I were having. I wasn't completely ok with this idea, because I knew it was going to be super awkward for everyone involved considering none of us really knew each other all that well. Much to my chagrin, they came to the barbecue. Luckily for me, my friends didn't make it super awkward and the person was welcomed with "opened arms." Well, a bit inebriated opened arms, but they were still open nonetheless. Anyways, the night went on pretty smoothly with everyone chatting, getting to know each other and enjoying themselves. Overall, I chalk the night up as a win; nothing too awkward happened and nothing embarrassing was shared or occurred. A couple of days later, this person and I met again for a bit of tennis. I hadn't played the game in a while, so needless to say I was a bit rusty. I was out for a bit of fun, they were out for blood. I lost pretty handedly and we moved on. Later that evening back at my apartment this person said four words you probably never want to hear in a relationship: "We need to talk..." I knew whatever followed after that was not going to be good. I braced myself for the worst, but hoped for the best..... Then they dropped the bomb! This is how the conversation actually played out:
Candidate #1: "Jeremy, we need to talk..."
Me: "Oh, crap! That doesn't sound good."
Candidate #1: "No, I promise, it's nothing bad."
Me: "Ummm.... ok.... What is it?"
Candidate #1: "You know how I spent time in China and Canada before, right?"
Me: "Yeah, you told me that..."
Candidate #1: "Well, while I was in China I met someone.... and while I was in Canada we got married! So, basically.... I'm married."
Me: "Are you F&!@#$% KIDDING ME? How could you not tell me that before? You need to leave."
Jerk #1: "I'm telling you now. I feel bad that I lied about it, but it's not a good relationship. They are so far away and I really really like you. If I wasn't with them I would want to be in a relationship with you."
Me: "We have been chatting for so long, you could have mentioned it WAAAAAY before today!"
~~~~They eventually leave my apartment and text me a few extra items.~~~~
Jerk #1: Actually, you are my type, but you are not physically attractive to me. You are fat and I don't think that a sexual relationship between us would ever work because I don't find you sexy. You have a great face and beautiful eyes, too bad your body doesn't match that......
Me: Please don't message me again.... Thanks!
UPDATE: I was actually stupid enough to give this person another shot recently..... and it ended very similarly! They told me that I was FATTER than they remember and that it just could never work because they still don't find me physically or sexually attractive!
Their loss!!!
My next story takes place about a month or so after the first story. I attended a music festival with a friend in Seoul and happened to stumble upon my next "candidate". It's easier to tell it that way and spare you guys the gruesome details of how we actually met! ;-) So, we met at the music festival, exchanged numbers and chatted for a bit. We realized we lived relatively close to one another, so decided we would visit one another whenever possible. I made the initial trip to visit them, and then they came to visit me and so on and so on. Things were actually going really well. However, this person told me from the get go that they were not looking for an actual relationship. I wasn't the happiest with that statement, but I thought if I played my cards right, waited it out and just had fun things my change on their end. So, we hung out a bunch, texted, chatted, did all those types of things. We went on "dates" together, bought each other gifts..... and I thought it was going really well. It didn't seem to be headed into a direction that neither of us wanted, we were enjoying ourselves and everything was hunky dory, or so I thought. This went on for about a month or a month and a half. Then I was preparing to head to Hong Kong for a week. I messaged the person and invited them to hangout, they declined because they were going to visit their parents in Seoul. No big deal, so I asked if we could connect when they returned from Seoul and before I headed to Hong Kong. They seemed a little preoccupied and didn't know if they'd be able to make it. So, I backed off trying to see them and just decided to text. However, my texts were returned..... They were read and simply ignored. That continued until I left for Hong Kong. Now, when I say continued, I didn't sent 1387978923098172 messages. Just the ignoring continued.... I figured they were busy with work or something and couldn't respond right away. Well.... I've been back from Hong Kong for almost 2 months now and the ignoring hasn't ceased. I haven't sent any more messages since I left for Hong Kong, but neither have they! While in Hong Kong I realized/remembered that when I initially met this person they were in Seoul to visit their parents, so I just figured that this person must have found a new "me" while they were in Seoul this time.
Again.... Their loss!
That story was a bit less exciting and a bit less insulting for me, but an explanation would have been nice. However, it doesn't look like I'll be getting one of those anytime soon, so I have picked up the pieces and moved along!
Let's fast forward a bit and come to the present. Not much has happened in the dating area in the months between candidate #1 and #2. I've met people, but have initially dismissed them based on the conversations we've had. For some reason, Koreans aren't ashamed to share their motives while dating. I have had numerous say that they are looking to move to America, so finding a American boyfriend/husband would help speed up the process. Now, I'm a supporter of immigrants coming to our country for the "American Dream" but I don't want to be the ship in which hoards of immigrants are riding on in order to get there. It just seems like such a turn off to know that you are being used for a green card and not because they have a genuine interest in you. I mean, I know many soldiers fall victim to this type of scam, but I pride myself in being a little more realistic and cued into life to let something like this happen. Sorry, hon.... This ship has sailed and you've been left at the loading docks!
Anyways, back to current days. I have once again met someone through the use of an app. This person initially was quite pleasant. We had lunch together and talked about our careers, our lives, families and what not. Things were going great. But now I find myself trying to actively avoid them! For some reason, Koreans have a very 빨리 빨리 mentality when it comes to dating. This means that they are very rushed to advance the relationship as quickly as possible. One day you're having dinner and the next you are renting out the wedding hall at the local train station for your big day and by the third date you're picking the names of your unborn children and burial plots by the fourth date. It's seriously a bit too full on for me. But that is the direction this new "situation" is taking. We've shared lunch and now they are begging to spend the weekend with me or come stay the night after they are finished with work. It's a bit overwhelming. I like my space... and I cringe when I pick up my phone and see that I have 10 messages from the same person. What's worse is the rate at which these messages escalate....
For example:
Hey, what's up?
How was your day?
I miss you!
I was thinking of coming to your apartment today, if that's ok with you?
What time is good for you to come?
Are you with your friends now? Who are they? What are you doing?
I can't stop thinking about you....
It's my fault I'm not giving strong enough emotion to you. (An actual message I received today)
I will go to the train station and wait for you message of when you're free so I can come see you.
It's really just overwhelming! Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic about it? I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone this interested in them, right? I just don't get it... Why can't it just develop naturally and not be so over the top? This is why I don't understand myself... I complain because I'm so single and I'm afraid I'll never find someone to even casually date, but on the other hand I get freaked out and bothered when they smother me....from 60 miles away..... via text!
Anyways.... Back to my current situation, although all of this rant has been about that current situation. When we hung out the other day, I allowed them to come back to my place for a bit because we ran out of things to do and they were a bit tired and wanted to rest. So, I offered my bed to them... in an innocent way of course. They napped, I computered.... They woke. Upon waking they confess to me that they have never been in a relationship with a "big" person before. Their reason behind this? They have always been afraid they "would be SMOTHERED by a big person in bed." Those were their exact words.... I kid you not! But wait, it gets better.... Then they asked me if I would lay on top of them to see how it felt to have a big person on them!!! What the actual fuck is wrong with people? I mean, who in their right mind would volunteer for that little experiment? Oh please, pick me to be the big person that tries to suffocate you by laying on top of you in bed! Get a life, people! SERIOUSLY! I guess those comments bothered me more than I actually thought they did?!
Again, after returning home... more texts were exchanged! Only a couple really stand out in my mind at the moment, so I will share them verbatim:
"You are very enough for my date."
"I like you as you are big."
I don't now about anyone else, but being describe as "enough" doesn't make me want to rush into any kind of relationship with you.... EVER! And I don't think anyone ever wants to be called "big" nor have that be the reason that you are "enough" for someone. Am I right?
As you can see, a sort of patterned has developed in my dating life.... We meet, you insult me about my weight, and we hardly ever speak again. I guess that's what I get for trying to "assimilate" myself and date Koreans. I know that everyone is a bit superficial when it comes to dating. We all have our own individual type or style of person we are attracted to. In Korea, that superficiality is taken to a whole new level. Picture the one thing about yourself you don't like.... and then picture that being the reason you aren't being dated and having it being pointed out to you EVERY. SINGLE. TIME someone rejects you. It gets a bit old.... and petty!
I'm not sure what the future holds for me in the rest of my time here in Korea, but at this rate I will have either found the love of my life, be insulted by every Korean I encounter or develop some sort of eating disorder before I cash in my pension on the way out of this country.
I hope love and relationships come a little easier for you.... If they do I challenge you to come date in Korea; It may knock you down a few pegs!
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