the 1

Disclaimer:  This post was written and saved in my Notes on my phone since November 5, 2023. I have just now gotten around to posting it.  So the thoughts/sentiments might be a little "dated" but knowing me, I don't think they will be! 

So, thanks to a calendar reminder I set some 7 years ago…. I was reminded that today would have marked the 7th year in my last relationship. If you know me, at all, you know that the relationship is no longer and hasn’t been for almost 3 years now. Is that for the better? I’m sure it is, but as I lay here writing this post I can’t help but think about how things could have and would have been VERY different had things not turned out the way they have.

This relationship started in Korea; both of us were expats, from different countries respectively, living and working there. For me it was a point in my life I would love to go back to. I was younger, more zestful and more full of life; at a point in my journey where I was ready for a relationship. Things started slowly and progressed naturally. The feelings I felt for this person were feelings I had only experienced 2 times before in my life, however fleeting they may have been. Nonetheless, they were feelings. Feelings I welcomed with open arms, as I did the relationship and gave my all to.

Things were great for a while. We lived our lives together, but separately, as we weren’t living in the same city in Korea. Every weekend or holiday we would steal away time from our friends, our lives and our responsibilities, at least in the early stages, to spend time with one another. As time and the relationship progressed, we introduced one another to the “families” we had formed away from both our homes, our friends. This felt right.

We did our best, or so I thought, to make a point to be in each other’s lives as much as possible; birthdays, holidays, long weekends, vacations, nothing was considered or planned without the other in mind.

At one point, I made a decision to transfer jobs, which took me further away from this person, but still within a train’s ride away. Here, I discovered some things about myself that would upend my time and life in Korea as I had known it. I was forced to move back to the US shortly after this, mostly due to being scared and unsure what was coming next for me.

We agreed to stay together, even though I was going to be living 16 hours away, even though my nights were their days and vice versa. We spoke on the phone daily, sent text messages, FaceTimed, whatever was necessary to keep the love alive and the relationship progressing. We discussed our future together and decided that we still wanted to be together, in whatever capacity that we could. We discussed them coming to live in America. We discussed me returning to Korea. We even discussed me moving to their home country if none of the other plans worked out. No matter what, we had a plan, and with that, I was happy and hopeful.

Then Covid happened.

Travel became less attainable, hopes of being together, at least in person, faded for the time being. Nevertheless, we maintained our connection, our contact and our desire to be together, or so I thought.

Slowly but surely, Covid too, began to ease up worldwide and hope, again worldwide, started to flicker in the horizon. However, our “connection” didn’t have that same flicker. The returned messages started to be less frequent, longer pauses in communication started to appear. When there were responses they tended to be much shorter, less detailed and eventually felt empty. Empty. That’s not good feeling, not even a good word in this situation.

What changed? Besides everything?! The world wasn’t the same as when we had first met. It wasn’t the same world when we were hopping on and off trains every weekend to stroll around the streets of Seoul together. The world wasn’t the same world in which we had loved.

For me, I yearned for a text back, a call back, even for it to be ever so brief. I was calling, I was texting, I was available, I was present.

I’m sure you can tell by now how this story ends. The relationship ended, but that’s not all. As much as I hate to admit it, I ended, too. I stopped caring; about myself, about others, about work, life, family. It’s embarrassing to say, but love ruined me. I am a shell of the person I once was, with them and even before them. I hate myself for allowing this person and this relationship to have this much control over me. But, that’s my reality. Not a day passes that I don’t think about ALL the places I wanted to introduce them to. ALL the people I wanted them to know. ALL the experiences I wanted us to have. This is the person I wanted to marry! ....Ouch, that hurts to say, but that’s 100% where I was.

I was all in… unfortunately they were not.

All this post is just to say that there are times that I’m vulnerable and upset, still. Everything reminds me of them, like literally everything. Especially this song….  

Not because it was a song that we listened to together, but because it says things that I felt and am still currently feeling. Music is both cruel and kind in that way. Yet, here I am, listening to and relating to this song.

These are the the lyrics that hit me hardest, and I guess maybe bring this whole post full circle…

“I persist and resist the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different would everything be different today?

We were something, don't you think so?

Rosé flowing with your chosen family

And it would've been sweet

If it could've been me

In my defense, I have none

For digging up the grave another time

But it would've been fun

If you would've been the one”