I'm baaaack!!!!!

Hello everyone..... I'm back again!  I apologize for my absence, but life has started to take over for me.  Before now, I've been just flying by the seat of my pants, so to speak.  You know, just living that Z-List life I speak of frequently on here.  However, in the past few months, or the time that has elapsed between this post and my last, a lot has transpired!  Or at least I'm claiming that it has..... So, please don't judge me!

I'm going to try to go back in my mind and scrape up all the memories I can over the past few months, weeks, days and hours to make this post as worth while as I possibly can!  Wish me luck.... Sit back.... and try to enjoy!!!

So, I think I left off discussing my case of mistaken identity, right?  Well, that would put me back in late January or early February.  WOW!! That was ages ago!!  I think shortly after that post I took my cheerios (Baker University Cheer team) to our conference competition in Canton, MO on the campus of Culver-Stockton College.  Let's try to pick up there.....

So, my cheerleaders and I have been practicing for weeks to work out this routine for competition.  Crunch time is ever present and its days before the competition.  We are practicing late into the night and I'm getting home past midnight many times.....  Well, one time in particular I was extremely late!  The reason for this happening was for some strange and unforeseen reason my car would not go into reverse. If you know anything about Baker University you know that the parking there is ATROCIOUS!!!  Well, I was lucky enough to get a lovely front row spot in front of Mabee gym this night, so I was super stoked.  However, I was peeved to find out when I returned to this spot several hours later that my car wouldn't want to leave.  Like I said, my car would not go in reverse AT ALL!!!!  I have no idea what was wrong with it, but I do know that it was like -32 degrees outside and a blizzard was blowing through!  So, in order to avoid frostbite, the only idea I had was to push my SUV out of this parking spot....on my own!  So, I get out take a little peep around to see if there is anything obstructing my tires....and to see if anyone is looking for fear of embarrassing myself.  Much to my chagrin, there were neither!  Not that I wanted to be embarrassed in front of people I didn't know, but I was secretly hoping that if they saw me struggling they would offer a helping hand.  NO DEAL!  I was on my own with this one.

I push, pull, crawl, dig, undig, grunt, groan, sweat, cry a little, scream, swear, and push again trying to get this car to move...... it doesn't! Well, it's not that it won't move, it just won't move far enough to get its ass over the hump in the parking lot.  I knew that all I had to do was get it to go over the highest point in this lot, hop in as it rolled backwards and then throw it into gear and go, but that wasn't happening.  So, after about an hour of struggling on my own, I decide that I would involve others in my endeavor.  The only people I could think of at the time was Baker's security team.

**Side note - they hate me because I am always getting locked out of Mabee**

Nevertheless I decide to dial them up on my iPhone and see if they can assist me in any way.  I get through and explain my situation to the man on the other end of the phone....and he says he'll be over in a few.  I'm ecstatic!  Maybe he'll be able to diagnose the problem and have me out of there in no time.  WRONG!!!!  He gets there, steps out of his sedan and is about 1000 years old!  I was thinking to myself "how is this old man going to help me push this car out of this spot without breaking a hip?"  I was baffled.... then he asked me "What's wrong with it?"  To which I responded "I'm not sure, I can't get it to go in reverse."

So, Father Time hops in the driver's seat of my car and tries to force it in reverse..... then says "Yeah, she's not going into reverse, just like you said!!!"  EXACTLY WHAT I SAID!!!!  So, he informs me that it's been about 25 years since he's driven a standard....and that he doesn't know if he remembers how!  I was baffled....because I was pretty sure that this man was the first person to own a standard, or better yet invent it!  However,  I was wrong.  So, after about 15 minutes of standing around looking at one another, he decides to call for backup.....

It turns out his back up was and even older man with a pickup truck.  So, now it's me, Father Time and Old Man Winter trying to get my car out of this stupid parking spot!  Finally, the oldest of the men suggests hooking the Vue to his truck and pulling it out!  GENIUS!  So, he and Father Time clear themselves a spot in the snow and lie down so they can look under my car for a place to hook the chain that will pull me out of this hateful place!  In the process of doing all of this, one man hits his head on the bumper of my car, the other grabs the muffler and burns his hand, and both of their butt cracks are out and filling with falling snow! I sort of felt bad at the time, but can look back and laugh about it now!  Eventually my car was towed from the spot and I was back on the road again....only to discover I couldn't shift into 2nd or 4th either! :(  So for the next few days I would always have to park myself on an incline so I could roll backwards out of the spot!  It was tragic, really!  I have since had the problem repaired!!!

In lieu of making this post as long as my inseam I will try to be a little less winded..... but we know that won't happen!

Anyways, after having my car quickly repaired it was time for our cheerleading competition!  So, Friday February 11th my cheerios and I piled onto a charter bus headed for Quincy, Illinois (the place where we would be staying before competition).  After about 5 hours on the bus we finally arrive in Quincy and the Microtel....  When we pull into the parking lot we notice an ambulance and several cop cars in the parking lot!  Just my luck, right?  I would book a hotel that has a crime scene....it's probably a murder or something and I'll be mistaken for the murderer and hauled away in handcuffs! Then the Baker Orange will be calling me up, asking me for interviews, but they won't be able to get to me because I'll probably be in solitary confinement....  Anyways, needless to say I was a little freaked out by the Law & Order going on at the Quincy, IL Microtel!

Lynsey (the dance coach) and I reluctantly get off the bus and head inside the hotel to get our room assignments!  That is when we are confronted by the QPD.  They inform us that there is an estranged woman, with blonde hair, a puffy black coat, and black sweatpants wondering around the hotel and that they had been alerted to come look for her to take her in.  The funny thing about this is that the description they gave of this estranged woman matched Lynsey EXACTLY!  So, I was pulled aside by an officer and asked if I knew who Lynsey was, if I was with her, and if I knew why they called the cops on her!  After I was interrogated for what seemed like half an hour, our conversation was cut short when a tall, lanky man came bursting through the automatic doors of the hotel and into the lobby.  He had a wild-eyed look on his face and seemed to be panicked!  He asked us if we had seen a blonde woman with a black jacket wondering around anywhere.  My response was, "No, but she's probably going to be arrested...." He didn't think that was too funny....and he starts to freak a little!  He pulls out his cell phone and dials the estranged woman!  She answers and his panic continues:

"Where are you?" he asks.
"Of course I called the cops on you!  You took 4 or 5 Xanax and the last time I saw you you were just lying there on the bed....lifeless!  I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!!!"

Lynsey and I try not to stare, but it's really really hard!  I giggle a little even and am shot a death glare from the lanky man holding the cell phone!  He then rushes out into the parking lot....followed immediately by the police!  We never really found out what happened to the mysterious woman or her boyfriend after that...... but hopefully they aren't still out there preying on unsuspecting cheer and dance coaches at random hotels throughout the country!!!

So, the next day was competition.... My girls were pumped, but one goes down with a concussion and isn't able to perform!  So, we have to rework the entire routine the day of the competition to replace her, or find ways to fix the routine to cover up her absence!!!  We work for about 3 hours doing this....and everything is coming together!  The girls are confident, I'm confident and things look really good!!!  Now all we have to do is perform.....

Easy said than done obviously because when we step out on the mat for out 2:30 we choke!  Nothing hits and girls are falling from the air all over the place....  At the end of our routine the girls rush off the floor in tears from embarrassment and frustration I assume because no one was injured.  So, once we're back to the locker room I give a Lombardi-like speech saying how proud of them I was, how we've progressed a lot over the course of the season, that shit happens and we never could have predicted we would do so poorly at competition!!!  Despite all the cheer tear droplets we take 4th in our division and 2nd overall at HAAC!  A much needed improvement for the program! I was relatively pleased!

So, that's the skinny on what's happened in my life during the month of February really!!

I made a trip to St. Louis for a couple of drag shows, a pageant and a photo shoot!  That was really interesting....  The pageant turned out to be pretty predictable, the photos from the shoot were awful and the drag show was strange.  I was alone in the audience...until a group of lesbians decided to befriend me so they would have a seat and not have to stand.  I'll take that I guess!!!  Oh yeah, and I was a little miffed because I had to pay to get into the bar...and into the show!  That's right, they had to covers....  One when you walk in the door and one when you went upstairs to the attic to enjoy the show!  I had never seen anything in the world like it!  Bubby and Sissy's in Alton, IL are making boatloads of money off of us unsuspecting drag showers!!!

Speaking of Bubby's, as it's affectionately known, it was one of the weirdest experiences of my life!  The show was interesting and fun....but the randoms from of the street that showed up to that bar were WEIRD!!!  At one point I was waiting in line to use the unisex restroom when this 50 year old woman wearing a mini skirt and a skin tight spaghetti strap shirt and sandals that laced up her calf asked if she could cut in front of me because she was a "lady!"  I didn't let her cut....because I was on the verge of puking from her outfit and her smell!!!  She was weird!! What's more sad is that the bar was filled with about 30 more people just like her!  I think was topped off the whole night was when I saw a pregnant woman go into the restroom, cocktail in hand!  I almost peed!!!  That's how redneck this place was....  people were barefoot, pregnant and showing off all their goodies, whether everyone else thought they were "goodies" or not!!!  Tajma and Moltyn made a lot of money at the show....so I'm grateful for that, but for some reason I always seem to be the one that works harder at these random shows we go to!  I'm out there in the trenches with all the scuzzbuckets while they're backstage brushing out wigs, trying on pantyhose, applying lip gloss and tucking their penises!!!  I think I'm going to start being their representation and demanding like 10% of their earnings.....bitches!


At some point over the course of the past few months I joined Jenalea, Sharon, Courtney, Amanda, Wes and two other girls at McFadden's in Power and Light for dinner and drinks! I'm not a huge P&L fan because they usually aren't nice to me or my people, but I decided to join anyways!  I hadn't seen everyone in a long and I was going to be in the city anyways.....  As weird sitting there enjoying our company, dinner and drinks this creepy bagman comes in from off the street.  Initially he makes his was back to the bathroom area, to wash up I now assume.  Jenalea and I have to go pee at one point and we pass him on our way into the bathroom..... I was terrified that he was going to grab me and stuff me into his grocery cart that he had waiting outside and whisked me off to be beheaded or something.  Anyways, I finished up before Jenalea did, so I decided in my Jeremy way that I would scare her when she came out of the bathroom... So I waited for the door to open and her to walk out, then I stepped out from around the corner with a giant "HEY!"  Her response - "hey...."  She wasn't even phased, she just marched onward like she was on a mission.  I'm sure it was because she had the same fear I did of the man and his grocery cart!

I guess I should have started off with a description of this man first, but I'll do that now.  He was an African-American man, who walked with a cane, I believe.  He wore a long, black, leather trench coat, dress-ish slacks, and a button down shirt.  In addition to his swaggy attire, he seemed to have a sort of hunchback thing going on.  No one really knew what it was back there, but I'm positive it was a bomb!  Oh...I think he was also carry a plastic Walmart bag too.....  CREEPY!!!!

This man was definitely on something....  After leaving the bathroom area, he approached the bar for a bit.  I figured he was just ordering a drink and talking to the bar tenders and the patrons of McFadden's; he seemed like a regular.  However, this was not the case.  Upon second look he was talking to HIMSELF!!!  It was strange, but what even stranger was that he wasn't even speaking English he was just mumbling words and speaking either in tongues or jibberish.  From the look of the man, I'll go with jibberish because he didn't look too holy!  (He secretly was probably Jesus testing me....and I failed)

At one point in his drunken rant, the man began to dance up and down bar...  He wasn't on the bar, but what in the walkway of the restaurant dancing.  It was the most bizarre dancing I've ever seen.....  He was using his cane and moving one leg forward at a time!  The whole time this is happening the bomb (or hump) on his back is swaying to the music inside his head!  It was probably one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen.  Everyone at the restaurant was staring, pointing and laughing, which probably wasn't smart because I could fell him on the edge of going Columbine on that place!  Anyways...he danced around for a good 10 minutes until the bartender yelled at him and said "Hey man, stop.... You're creeping people out!"

The man left right after that..... but not before making it to the doors and turning around and eyeing the entire restaurant!!!  He was probably wishing a plague on all our houses!!  I was so totally creeped out!  Oh....and Wes saw the man the next day crossing some bridge in the city!  Here's a pic of him.... it's a bit blurry, but you can definitely feel the creepiness:


Hmmm....I am really hard pressed to find anything else to talk about!  I'm racking my brain, but nothing is coming to mind!!  

Work is work!  I'm busy has hell with meetings and state assessments, but I'm having a blast this year!  My students piss me off but make me laugh, so I guess that's a good thing right?  I wouldn't change any of them for the world..... well, except the one that was smoking weed in the bathroom and the other that started a fire at school last year!  However, they both seem to be doing well in the programs that we have set them up with!  Now, if only I can make it through all the IEP writing, get all the appropriate signatures and get them sent in I'll being doing great!  

Oh, cheer is still going well!  We haven't practiced in a long while!  I've set up tryouts for April 17th, which I'm really excited about!  This will be like my first "recruiting class" so I hope I get a ton of talent! I think I e-mailed like 16 girls some information about tryouts so hopefully they will ALL show up on the 17th!  We're not going to nationals this year..... that was a huge debacle between the A.D., myself and the dance coach, but we've worked through our differences and are all pretty much in agreement now! It all really boiled down to my girls not being ready and ultimately not having the funds to make it there.  It was going to cost each person about $1,200 to go.....that's not included food or extra spending cash!  Why is it so expensive!?  And I'm definitely in the wrong business..... 

Anyways, I pitched the idea to our AD for the NAIA to host their own nationals in KC! I have it all planned our already, the venues and whatnot.  Now I'm just waiting for my phone call from the uppity ups at the NAIA to get the ball rolling!  hahah

I think I'm running out of funny things to talk about so I guess I'll end this post now!  I hope this has served as some sort of entertainment for everyone or at least distracted you from work!!!! Hopefully there won't be so much elapsed time between this and my next post!!!!  

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